Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I am fat October 30, 2012

I am fat, I have been fat longer than I have been small. When I look at pictures of when I was smaller or remember myself when I was younger I wish I was that small again. Funny thing was I thought I was fat then. I am as of this morning 216 and change. When I first started thinking I was fat I was probably 16... AND I was only 130 lbs! What the hell is wrong with that picture? Why did I think I was fat back then?

I knew I was pretty, I actually was scared of being pretty. I went back and forth between wanting to attract boys to being scared of them.  Its only later in life that I figured out that that was a safety mechanism I had.  Was I scared of boys because of my step dad? (talk about that some other day) My absent dad? Again some other day.

I want to loose weight. I have tried and lost weight more times than I can count. Why is that soo hard? I lost over 100 lbs when I was 26. I went from 235  to 135 lbs. How did I do that? I stopped eating. I ate two bowls of cereal in the morning. One was good for me like All Bran. One was a super sugar one like Captain Crunch. Then for lunch I had a package of low fat ham. I would drink orange juice during the day and that would be it until the next day. As I  lost more weight I got more and more excited. I couldnt sleep for being excited and dreaming of what I would look like. I weighed myself a couple of times a day, right after I had a poop. After awhile I could not poop really, thats why I added the orange juice. If I went to sleep on my stomach my hips would bruise. I loved that. I started getting a bruise from where my big mens watch rested. Oh my collar bones started to show, I thought I started to fly. I started having a habit of rubbing my finger over those bones. Over and over.

Well needless to say that didnt last. I reached my goal, wanted to get thinner. Started going on no food days, or all fruit days. Then I started to puke. Yup I started puking everyday. I lived a few houses from where I worked, so I could go home to puke. I wasnt even binging, I would eat something like a piece of cheese. Well that couldnt stay in there! So out it came. You cant puke easily without lots of water in your stomach, for me at least. So you drink water as you eat so it comes up easy. When I puked it was like a huge release. Ahhhh.

So anyways, I decided to do a daily journal that could be both private and public. Private in the sense none of my family and friends would read this. Public to anyone else who happened to come across it. I dont expect anyone to read this.

I want to fix myself. I want to stop being depressed. I want to stop being fat. I want to have a boyfriend. I want someone to love me, and I want to love someone. I want to be accountable to someone about my weight loss. Someone other than me. I want to write it down in black and white so that I cant lie to myself anymore. I want to weigh myself everyday and come here and write it down, so I can see it.

I want to write about my life, try to figure things out. I want to get mad about it and cry about it and whine about it.

I feel like a fake. Maybe because I spend so much time lying to myself so much. I am ok, No Im not.

2 comments:

  1. Hi! I randomly came across your post, and just wanted you to know I would be praying for you. I just started my weight loss journey in August, and it has been slow, but so good. I hope you get to your goal when you want to, but I think something i have to keep in my mind is that it's ok if I don't.

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    1. Thank you very much. I appreciate the prayers! Best of luck to you also.

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